LoA: The Last Caress

Sigyn startled as slender fingers brushed her cheek, a loving caress meant especially for her. Automatically she turned searching for the owner of that tender touch to find he was not there. She was confused, sure she had felt her husband’s touch but she was clearly alone in the garden. She shook her head and resumed her reading, disappointment settling over her. Loki hadn’t spoken to her in days and she didn’t understand how he could undergo such a rapid change in just a single day.

Loki had followed Thor, Sif and the Warriors Three into Jotunheim on the heels of Thor’s ruined coronation. She knew her husband well enough to know that there was mischief involved and all he said to her, as he kissed her goodbye, was that she would understand soon enough. Loki had returned to their chambers that night and made love to her passionately, covering her questions with kisses and stilling her tongue with pleasure when that didn’t work. It had been a nice change from the delicate dance they were doing around each other’s frayed nerves in the wake of his brief affair with Lorelei. When dawn broke, she learned of the events in Jotunheim, Thor’s banishment, Odin’s slumber and Loki’s ascension to the throne.

Their fighting had started due to his ascension. She was happy for him, no doubt about it. It was his sexual appetite and certain things he tried to talk her into that sparked it. He took her refusal badly, as rejection she supposed, and had taken his revenge by bedding her dearest friend in a place where he knew she’d see. She’d left on horseback in the aftermath and he’d come after her and dragged her home. The result had been brutal, violent even. She still ached from forced submission, bruised by rough and gripping hands, wounded by venomous words she thought him incapable of. He’d left her, after, to tend to herself and she’d refused to stay in the chambers they shared, though she knew from the gossiping servants that he hadn’t returned to them either.

And yet, she felt his touch. She knew it was him. She shifted, drawing in a sharp breath as her still tender muscles screamed in protest, and reached out with her senses, trying to latch on to the traces of his magical signature. She found nothing though and found herself feeling a horrible chill that forced her to close herself off. Loki had closed his mind to her, but before she at least could feel him still, or rather, the mental blocks keeping her out. But now there was nothing and that scared her. The sound of boots falling heavily on the cobblestone walk of the garden pulled her from her thoughts and she looked up to see Thor. A smile instantly leaped to her face and she was on her feet.

“Thor! You’re home,” she exclaimed excitedly, running to him, though she stopped short when she noticed his pallor. Worry gripped her when he hardly acknowledged her presence. This was not like him. “Thor?”

“It is… good to see you, sister,” he said, finally, offering a half smile that faded all too quickly. She didn’t miss the fact that he was avoiding her eyes. She closed the space between them, embracing him cautiously and his arms were slow to encircle her. She pulled back enough to look up at him. The sight she saw caused the icy fingers of dread to grip her heart again.

“Thor?”

“Loki…. shall not return. He…” Thor paused a moment and looked away from her, the tears gathering in his electric eyes visible to her. “I had to break the bridge to keep him from destroying Jotunheim. We were left dangling from the edge. He… let go.”

Sigyn felt herself go numb as she stared at her brother-in-law. This was a dream. It had to be. She shook her head almost imperceptibly, unable to grasp this horror that he brought to her. She struggled to draw a breath, gasping out, “what?”

“He is lost to us… he fell into the oblivion,” he said, his large hands resting on her shoulders as he bowed his head. “If it would keep him here I would have taken that leap for him. Forgive me, sister.”

His tears began to fall as a deep roll of thunder rumbled through the Asgardian sky; long and mournful sounding in comparison to the sharp crack heard when he rode into battle. It resonated deeply within her, reverberating between her ribs so powerfully she thought her heart would stop beating. The sound of it would haunt her dreams until the end of her days and somehow, it seemed right that it would.

“I’m sorry,” he said through gritted teeth, his voice thick with his sorrow.

Sigyn shook her head and pulled him close, stroking his golden hair. His arms encircled her and he held onto her tightly, his large frame trembling under the weight of his sorrow. Regret rose up in her, acidic and bitter, like bile. She should have gone to Loki. She should have tried to fix things. She should have done something, anything to make the wrongs right. But she hadn’t even tried. Instead she’d hidden from him like a coward and now he was gone forever.

“I don’t blame you, Thor,” she said softly, nuzzling into his neck. “I could never blame you.”

“It does not eliminate my guilt,” he said quietly. “I feel I ought to have done something more, but I know not what.”

Thor sighed and guided her over to the bench she had previously occupied and sat with her. He pulled her close and she went willingly, knowing he was trying to comfort her while seeking comfort for himself. His feeling of guilt did not sit right with her and she took his face in her hands.

“Listen to me,” she said gently. “Loki has not been himself. I know not why but he…” She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes falling on her bruised wrists and released him, pulling her sleeves down. She shook her head, biting her lip, deciding not to say anymore.

“He sent the Destroyer after me. He destroyed so much with that thing, harming innocent people in the process,” Thor said, his eyebrows furrowed and she knew he picked up on her unspoken words. She stared at him in disbelief. She knew Loki was always jealous of Thor but she never thought he’d try to kill him. But then, she didn’t think Loki would do a lot of things that he had done. “What else has he done?”

“He grew angry with me at the littlest things. Took revenge by forcing my… f-friend to…” Sigyn couldn’t bring herself to say what Loki had done to Alof. The woman was loyal to the royal family and Loki took advantage of that in the worst way. She shook her head, clearing the memory from her mind. “And then reminded me of my place when I left. Other than that I do not know. I have not been in his presence since.”

“What madness….” Thor breathed as he looked at her like someone had stabbed him. She looked away from him as he sat back, and for a moment the air crackled as the anger passed through his eyes. She knew Thor understood perfectly what she implied and was relieved when his anger flowed back into sorrow. “I cannot fathom why it would come to such cruelty. Is your friend well? Are you?”

“I suspect she is. He was far kinder to her,” Sigyn replied. “I will heal in time.”

Thor remained quiet as he leaned forward, elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. She would heal, physically, though she was not sure if she could forgive what had happened. Alof was hardly to blame but part of Sigyn resented the woman for not being more defiant. Loki had known that what he forced Alof to do would wound her deeply. As for forgiving Loki, it didn’t matter anymore because he was gone.

“I did not know you were banished when Loki returned from Jotunheim,” she said, watching him. “Nor did I know that your father had fallen into the Odinsleep. Loki was tender and kind and… he changed so quickly. At dawn I helped him put on his armor and it was as if the Loki I knew had dissolved with the night.”

“He is…” Thor began, hesitating for a long moment. “Not of Odin’s blood.”

“What,” Sigyn gasped. “Why would you say that?”

“He is… of the giants.”

“No…” Sigyn just stared at him. This had to be the most absurd thing she’d ever heard. “That’s not…”

“Father told me after Loki’s fall,” Thor said, cutting her off.

“How can you jest,” she demanded, rising to her feet and shaking her head. “He is your brother, Thor and he is…” She choked on the sob that rose up in her throat. She was shaking again, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. “How could you say something like that?”

“Do not think I would jest on a matter as this,” he growled, clenching his fists. She glared at him, though not because she didn’t believe him. She didn’t want to believe him, though his words rang with truth.

“I won’t believe this,” she hissed. “Not until I hear it from Odin himself.”

“Very well, speak to him, Sigyn. Know I do not lie. I will take you to Father.”

Thor stood, offering her his hand. She hesitated before slipping her hand into his. He watched her for a moment as he ran his thumb over her knuckles before he led her through the palace to Odin. When they entered the chambers, Frigga was openly weeping in Odin’s arms, mourning the loss of her son. Sigyn could not bear to see the queen in such a state. The woman was her role model and she loved her dearly. Seeing her pain only increased her own and she didn’t know if she could stand before the rulers of the realm and demand the answers she needed.

“Sigyn needs to know the truth, father,” said Thor, eyeing his parents

“Tell me it’s not true, All-father,” she pleaded in a voice that was tight with emotion.

Frigga wiped at her eyes as she pulled away from Odin. Thor wasted no time going to his mother, pulling her close and holding her. She held onto him tightly. Odin stood, fixing his single-eyed gaze on her, and Sigyn thought he looked worn and aged. She knew he was aware of what Thor told her, as he saw all.

“It’s true, what Thor has told you.”

“I don’t…” Sigyn closed her eyes, fighting back a new wave of tears. “I don’t understand. How is it even possible?”

“I took him as a babe from Jotunheim, a bid to create peace between our realms, and kept his true lineage from all but Frigga and Heimdall. Thor’s foolish journey to Jotunheim with the warriors revealed the truth to Loki,” Odin explained and Sigyn’s hands flew to her mouth to hide the horrified expression that took over. Suddenly, everything made sense. “He sought to impress me, to cut all ties to his true blood. But that no longer matters. Loki defeated the enemy of Asgard… he will be known for that, and celebrated.”

Sigyn let her hands fall from her face as Odin came forward. His hands came to rest on her shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. It was the only comfort he’d give her. The tears pricked at her eyes before spilling over, the awful truth reflected in Odin’s eye completely undeniable. Regret welled up in her again and threatened to crush her into oblivion.

“I- I could have done something,” she whispered. “If he had told me… I could have…”

“It is done, Sigyn. He sought to destroy the Jotuns entirely. He would have not told you and be counted among them.”

“But I would…” Sigyn stopped herself mid-sentence as she met Odin’s gaze and saw her doubts reflected there. Would she have stayed by Loki’s side? Did him being a Jotun change anything? Of course not. She loved him, no matter what he was. She’d said it to him a million times in their youth that he would always and forever be ‘just Loki’ to her. It hurt her deeply that Loki didn’t put faith in her. “I wouldn’t have. He had to know that?”

“His lineage must remain unspoken,” said Odin. “And Asgard will remember him as the end of Laufey’s tyranny.”

He moved away then, and she knew the conversation was over. Frigga moved to her husband and a twinge of jealousy shot through her. Thor was at her side and it was only a mild comfort somewhere in the numbness that was spreading from her core again as his arm slid around her shoulders.

“Of course, All-father,” she submitted, her eyes falling to the floor. “Thank you for your trust and honesty.”

“Go and mourn, Sigyn, it is best,” sighed Odin.

Sigyn merely nodded, her voice stopped up behind the sobs that were threatening to tear from her throat. Thor gently led her away then, hugging her close to his side. She found that she was exceedingly grateful for his solid frame as she began to tremble again. In the corridor, her knees buckled under her and Thor eased her gently to the floor, kneeling beside her. She doubled over herself, her face buried in her hands and openly cried. It didn’t matter to her if anyone saw her in this state. her husband was dead. Princess or not, she entitled to weep for him. Thor rubbed her back gently, trying to soothe her. She reached for him and he scooped her into an embrace, holding her tightly against him until she stopped shaking and then he held her some more.

Eventually, Sigyn pulled out of Thor’s arms and picked herself up off the floor, refusing the hand he offered. She smoothed her clothes and and tried to compose herself. Thor watched her, his eyes full of emotion and concern. They had always been close friends and she loved him as dearly as her own blood.

“Thank you, Thor,” she said. “Forgive me for doubting your word.”

Thor said nothing, but smiled tenderly at her, reaching out and brushing the tears from from her cheeks. His gentle touch threatened to undo her again and she bowed her head respectfully to him before turning away and going to her bedchamber alone before he could stop her.

It was the first time in days that she had set foot in this room and it felt like she was truly seeing it for the first time. It had been Loki’s alone before they shared it and everything about it was so utterly him. From the dark colors, to the scattered books that did not fit on any of the already  overstuffed bookshelves, to herbs and vials for potions left lying about. The coat he wore to Jotunheim was tossed over the chaise where he’d left it upon his return. She picked it up and hugged it to her, burying her face in the fabric. It smelled like him and she choked on a sob before it could tear out of her.

The rustling of papers caught her attention and she looked over to see the small black cat Loki had given her after their wedding, stretching on his desk. Clutching his coat close, she moved over to the feline, now mewling for her affection and scratched under its chin. The cat began to purr and rolled, seeking a thorough stroking and revealing the last thing Loki had been working on. Normally, she would ignore whatever Loki left on his desk, feeling he deserved some sense of privacy inside their marriage, but her name in his cramped handwriting caught her eye, and he was no longer living to care besides. It was a half-written letter addressed to her.

“My Dearest Wife,

I know what I have done is unforgivable and that there is nothing I can ever do to rectify the wrongs I have done to you. I am unworthy of the vows you made to me, for I have failed to honor mine in the worst way. I am unworthy of your love, your loyalty and your devotion to me. So, I leave my ring in your care until such a day comes that I can be worthy of you, my love.

Oh yes, my Sigyn, I love you. You are all that I truly love in these nine realms. My heart is yours, Dear One, and there is naught that can ever take it from you. I know in the wake of my atrocities, my pretty confessions of love must mean nothing to you and that no matter how many times I apologize, it will never change anything.

I'd give anything to have you in my arms, taste your kisses, and know that you are still mine. I can never apologize enough to you, never repair your broken trust. I can only hope that, with time, I may find a way to atone for my transgressions against you. And if I never can, it is more than I deserve.

There is much that has happened that I fear has changed me for the worst, though it is no excuse. But my love for you remains as strong -”

It was clear that Loki had been interrupted, never to return to his desk to finish this letter. She wished he had. Maybe then they would have had the chance to reconcile and maybe he would still be alive. Maybe this whole disaster could have been averted. Maybe....

The aching that filled her was too much and she sank into the chair with a heavy sigh. She didn’t think she had it in her to cry anymore right now. Not even as she picked up the ring that matched her own; a band of intricately knotted gold with a pale green amethyst. Part of her hated it that he did not die wearing his wedding ring and yet part of her was grateful to have this piece of him. She would keep this with her always, no matter what. He would forever be her first love and the only one who truly owned her heart completely and this ring was a symbol of that.

Her hand covered her stomach instinctually at a stirring and the aching in her heart threatened to break her again. Her sorrow was not entirely for herself, nor for Thor and the family that had raised and loved Loki like their own. Her sorrow was shared with the life that she sheltered within her. She had not been sure until days ago when she and Loki had fought. She had gone to him to tell him of their good fortune and instead they had clashed and quarrelled and he’d hurt her. She wondered, briefly, if she had realized sooner that she was with child, if it would have changed anything. Her thoughts turned to Loki’s other children: Sleipnir, his twin daughters Eisa and Einmyria from his arranged marriage, his brood from Angrboda who were now exiled and imprisoned. He loved his children and would do anything for them. His fatherly pride had always been his best trait and she had looked forward to giving him the family he desired. Had he known that his seed had taken hold in her womb, would his actions have been any different?

She decided it didn’t matter. It was too late to ponder the what ifs and maybes. Only two things were certain right now: Loki was dead and she was carrying his child. She wasn’t willing to share the news, though it would be a welcome blessing inside this tragedy for his family. She wanted to selfishly keep it to herself for the time being. Realizing that Odin must already know, she silently thanked the All-father for his discretion and giving her this private time with the last living part of Loki left to her.

She wrapped his coat around her, becoming enveloped in the lingering essence of him, and lost her battle to heartache. She lay her head on her arms on the desk and wept, the cat nuzzling her elbow. She regretted deeply that their last moments together had been of bitterness and hate and wished that if things had to be this way, that they had parted with a warm embrace, that the aching of her muscles was from vigorous and heated love-making instead of his brutal assault, and that his last words to her had dripped with honey instead of cutting like a dagger. She wished that their final moments together had been of love.

Suddenly, Sigyn was struck with startling clarity. Their final moment had been exactly as she wished it. He’d reached out to her with all the tenderness he felt for her. He’d asked her forgiveness, professed his love, and said goodbye to her. The epiphany shook her to the core and her steady weeping turned to heaving sobs. He had made everything right in the moments before Thor had appeared to give her the news and would never know that he had. All of it had been held in his final gesture of affection, even if it was through the use of a spell and she could not deny his intent in that one final act of love; his last caress.